Found this on the Corolla forums. Apparently it worked for the owner, so I figured maybe it'll work for me too. I vaguely remember having that eyelet connector thingy somewhere downstairs. Found it! I even had one last quick splice left! 

Tried it and nada. Didn't work either. Man, I'm running out of ideas soon. I'm keeping track of everything I've tried obviously through the blog but I'm also crossing out the ones on my "Options List" post. I guess I'll just be waiting for my Error Code Eliminators. It'll be a couple weeks.